It’s fair to say that 2022 has brought about some big changes, and not just because of my recent move to Sussex. Last year, a couple days before New Year’s Eve, my wife and I welcomed our first child into the world – and boy what an amazing, tiring, exciting, terrifying, joyful and rapid ten (and a half) months it’s been.

To say I’ve started a PhD is a bit of an overstatement. Initially, I was probably more like a kid going off for their first day of school. I’ll never forget being handed our baby boy at 10:30 in the evening, after a long labour, and being told by the midwife to look after him and put his nappy on while they tended to my wife. Before that I had never held a baby before in my entire life - talk about a steep learning curve. And one that, at times, has felt like it has never let up.

I have always said that from day one I wanted to be as hands-on and present as possible. For me that meant doing things 50/50. Or at least as much as biologically possible. And I have been fortunate to be able to take advantage of shared parental leave, which allowed to take about 4 months off work to support my wife and get to know our little baby boy. And we had a great time.

So, now, almost 11 months into being a new parent, and about 6 or so months into juggling being a Dad with continuing my academic career what I have learnt?

Take that time off (if you can), and enjoy it

The first thing I would say is take as much time off as you can, and don’t feel guilty for doing so. In academia, I think we are often thinking about what comes next. Thinking of ways and opportunities to build our portfolio or group. Maybe it’s the next grant application, or maybe the next paper. Or maybe its worrying about missing out opportunities if we are not around.

I must admit I often had the feeling that if I were to disappear for a few months, I would lose momentum and lose out. And there were times within my parental leave where I spent more time than I should have catching up on a few emails or scheduling the odd meeting when I had a free couple of hours to make sure I kept in touch.

The reality however was that the world didn’t end. And they grow up so fast that ultimately that time would have been better spent with my family rather than writing emails. So, if I was doing it again, I would claim that time back and not feel guilty about doing it.

Set yourself realistic expectations, and don’t be too hard on yourself

When you do go back to work, set yourself realistic expectations.

Have I been as efficient as I was a year or so ago? When I could easily sit at my desk from 8:00 am until 6:00 pm uninterrupted, wind-down in the evening and then get a good night sleep? Of course not.

So prioritise and focus on those things that are really important and forget about things that are not. This website for example is a bit of a hobby – and a bit of a luxury. So, it got parked. I also had a conference paper that was invited for a special issue, and I would have loved to have submitted it. But in the end time was against me. Will that make or break me? Of course not.

And have there been a few times where I have sat in front my computer and the cogs just haven’t been turning? Of course. In those times don’t be too hard on yourself. Ride the wave – it will all come back.

The beginning of nursery sucks – be prepared to be flexible

When they start nursery it sucks, and no one really tells you. A lot of people told us ‘nursery will be really great for their immune system’, and we were nodding along like ‘yea, definitely’.

But what didn’t twig was what that actually means. It means going through a phase when they seem to be out of nursery as much as they’re in as they pick up all sorts of bugs and build up immunity. And of course you get the added delight of catching whatever it is too.

So, I would say be prepared for that. And try to be on hand as much as you can to look after them when they’re sick (remember when I said 50/50). Luckily, academia does afford some flexibility so we play a little bit of pass the baby between meetings, but even if that isn’t always possible I always try to make sure I do my part.

Flying solo

One thing that I do slightly regret is not having flown solo with the little guy. When I took my parental leave, me and my wife were off at the same time. This was great as it meant we could go off and do things as a family, but it also meant I never really spent a week on my own with him.

And I’m not saying this because I imagine the two of us going off and doing amazingly fun things together. But more so I can truly appreciate what it’s like for mum when she spends a whole week looking after baby on her own.

This leads nicely into my last point, which is…

Tell your partner that they’re doing the best job

No matter how hard juggling fatherhood and my career has been, the juggling act for my wife has been even more difficult. So don’t forget to tell your partner how much of an awesome job they’re doing.

I probably haven’t done it enough. So, let’s hope she reads this…

fatherhood